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The game called life - with everyone being their own therapist in it

12/6/2011

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I don't know anybody who doesn't like or enjoy playing (board)-games, doesn't like watching television, movies, series, soap, etc, etc... And especially I don't know anybody who doesn't like watching the misery or failures of others, because we are so afraid of making mistakes ourselves, that without knowing it, we can't stop seeing the imperfections in others, because that is how we learn not to make the same mistakes. Or at least, that is/was the point of making mistakes, so we can learn (from each other). But people are nowadays so consumed with themselves that the point of learning just changed in watching the failures of others just to get some sense of pleasure that you did not make the same (dumb) mistake. Or even worse, we judge. We play the judges of other all the time, while we all are doing the same bad things, just in different colors. The funny thing is, you  are probably doing the same mistakes right now in your life, that everyone also does, but you are so full of yourself, that you don't even notice your mistakes any more. 

Life has to be fun. Or I've decided that life has to be fun, but to do the things that I want or to just play this game as fairly as I can, I've had to set some game rules for myself. So, before I start the journey of life I have to finish this game-plan or at least know what the rewards are and what the punishments are and especially what the rules of the game are. Spirituality does not need to be taken so seriously, because life is already a serious business. You have to start taking yourself seriously, that is spirituality. Stop playing the bad games and start playing the only real game; life.


Today two very special friends of mine asked me if I don't find it difficult that they are now so many people thinking that I've gone crazy or have psychotic outbreaks or what every you want to call it. My answer was no, I'm actually enjoying it, because now I can see and learn a lot of things. The first lesson is, I did a study (psychology) where actually everyone thinks that they already know what all the concepts are and thus can by themselves judge on the conditions of others. So, actually I am ashamed of calling myself a psychologist, because everyone already thinks and believes that they are one! So in a way, it would for me be the same as I go to a dentist and tell the dentist what and how to fix my teeth, or that I now go to an electrician and tell them how to fix the electric wires. Wow, if that was true, could I go in the Nuna team? Maybe Nuna 7? ;-) 
So, keep judging, it will only show your insecurities to me.


The second lesson is and other lessons are for me to know and learn. As I've said before, this is my journey and I can't tell you which way you have to go or which path you have to take. I can advice you, but then you will be doing the things that I advice you to do, I can do that of course, but the question here is, is that functional? Will you accept my advises or will you just be so stubborn and reject all of my ideas? I have learned that the third option is the one people mostly chooses. If you don't accept the changes in your life, you will either go back to the same lifestyle or you will just by yourself choose a different way.


That is why psychologist (almost) never (can) tell you what to do, because it won't work, because you, yes you, are too stubborn to accept these (good) advises. So, one of my new rules of life is then, I will only give advises to people that really want it or need it. Every other case will just be pointless and a waste of my time. And time is precious, too precious to go to waste like that. And that is why I also understand my colleagues and especially my cousin who get's frustrated that people  think that they are so smart and that they already know everything about themselves, while in the mean time we see that they maybe only know half of the things for sure. That's frustrating to a therapist. But you can either live with this fact of life and people or you can choose a different path of less resistance. 

Feel free to call me lazy, but I chose the latter.  

Alvin



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My Ayahuasca song; only the lyrics

12/5/2011

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I have no vice in my body. I believe that I have no vice in my body! I don't have no vice. I have no vice. I don't do bad things. I only do good things, what is good for me is also good for another. No one will die. No one may die. Only if they want to. If you want to get rid of this life and want to jump to another, you are the only one that may choose this! Die and Death is Your choice! Don't die and Death is thus not Your Choise! This is my sound of Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca gives me life. Ayahuasca takes my vices away....

Ayahuasca.....

Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ayayayayayayayayay  ayayayay ay ayayayay aya yayayay yayayayayayayayayayaauyifk oh oh oh

AYahuasca is the sound of my music.
Ayahuasca is what I see when I drink it...
The beauty that I see comes from me.
Ayahuasca let's me only see the beauty in things, life, time, people, animals, freequency, sound, waves, light, taste etc, etc... If I say it, I make it. So I will be quiet and only enjoy. No touching. No touching. No no no no no no no no n ono nononono no no no
Touching the Ayahuasca.
That is mine. My precious.
Ayahuasca.

Sing to me Ayahuasca. Is it me or does this feel weird?
Oh Ayahuasca I have a naughty thought.
Ayahuasca help me, get rid of this thought.
Ayahuasca, I say yes, because I take all the bad stuff away.
You are free!
I am free.
Ayahuasca. Tell me your name....

Ayahuasca, Oh, I already know your name! Wow, we know each other!
Hahahahaha... fuck, we did it already! I see the beauty in you. Oh oh oh... This feels nice!
Oh oh oh oh...

Ayahuascaaaaaaahhhh.....
Ayahuasca......
Aya aya aya ayahuasca.....
Ayahuasca.....

.......

(Part 1).
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Wie ben ik?

12/4/2011

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Laat ik beginnen met een waarschuwing en/of mededeling. De pot, de ketel of als je het beter in een glasje wilt, dan is die ook halfvol of half-nietvol, dus halfleeg. Als je op dat punt komt in je leven, dan ga je twijfelen aan drie dingen. Een waar ben ik eigenlijk in G's-naam begonnen en twee, waar ga ik eindigen? En een fuck mag nooit meer eindigen. Dus bij een begint het en eindigd het, dat is mijn wachtwoord om uit mijn psychose te komen. Ik doe aan zelfhypnose en heb een eigen wachtwoord gemaakt, alleen soms raak ik mijn wachtwoord kwijt en dan moet ik opnieuw gaan tellen en zoeken. Het is voor mij best wel grappig, maar voor sommige van mijn vrienden hebben ze hun mat vol gekregen met mijn momenten, om het zo serieus mogelijk te zeggen. 

Door alcohol ben ik mijn wachtwoord beetje bij beetje kwijtgeraakt. In Dance Valley een paar jaar geleden, toen ik met een hele lieve dame van 35 jaar gezoend hebt, heb ik per ongeluk GHB gedronken en toen was ik compleet mijn wachtwoord kwijt. In Duitsland hebben de Duitser mij GHB (per ongeluk of niet) gegeven en dat heeft er weer voor gezorgd dat ik mijn wachtwoord van mijn geheugen, zintuigen, onderbewuste, bewustzijn en alles wat te maken heeft met spirituele gebeuren ook kwijt was geraakt. Maar ik wist het dus niet en mijn vrienden wilden niet naar mij luisteren om mij te helpen om te zorgen dat ik het weer kreeg. Vanaf kinds af aan deed ik aan zelfhypnose, alleen door het veelvuldig gebruik van alcohol begon ik meer en meer in problemen te raken. Dit klinkt misschien allemaal raar, maar dit heb ik gedaan omdat mijn 3 Ego's telkens weer gingen fukken. Zij hadden ook geleerd hoe ze zelfhypnose moesten doen en gingen dat ook bij mij doen. Dus op een gegeven moment heb ik in mijn leven heel veel dingen gedaan, die ik zelf niet meer weet, omdat ik toen gehypnotiseerd was door een van mijn 3 Ego's! Toen ik dit door had, heb ik al mijn Ego's in drie verschillende kamers opgesloten. Alleen wist ik dus niet dat alcohol en GHB de schaarnieren van die deuren gingen eten, omdat ze zeer corrosief waren. Dus in Nederland zijn die deuren los gaan barsten en kwamen mijn 3 Ego's los, maar ik had controle over ze, tot op een zekere hoogte dan. Alleen Duitsland heeft me echt verrast. Die kut polities lieten mij echt schrikken, waardoor ik voor een klein moment de controle over mijn gedachtes verloor, waardoor mijn Ego's direct mij voor een moment hadden uitgeschakkeld. Mijn energie viel weg en op dat moment wist ik niet meer wat er allemaal precies gebeurd was voor ongeveer 3 minuten, maar toen kwam ik weer online en kon ik alles zelf weer reguleren. Alleen dacht ik dus ook meteen dat het kwam door de schrik, dus ging ik mijn systeem en mijn hersenen / bewustzijn niet meer controleren op fouten. Ik werd te nonchalant. Toen Jurgen die Duitser mij bier met beetjes GHB daarin gaf, iets dat Duitsers lekker vinden, kregen mijn Ego's weer de kans om met mij te gaan spelen. Zonder dat ik het wist heb ik een circus daar gemaakt. Ik zag helemaal niks, want ik kan niet hallucineren, ik kreeg alleen maar "wanen", maar ze leken allemaal op mijn trip-ervaringen, dus een ding wat mijn Ego's niet meer wisten was dat ik een Psychonaut geworden was die heel goed kon trippen en die geen echte psychoses (meer) kan krijgen. Dus in Duitsland probeerden mijn Ego's mij psychotisch te maken om mij te laten schrikken, maar ik ging er alleen maar meer van genieten en de liefde groeide alleen maar meer en meer in mij, dus ik vond het allemaal fantastisch, dat ik zonder drugs kon trippen. Fucking chill, beter dan wat voor een andere middel dan ik ooit heb genomen. Ayahuasca blijft mijlen ver van wat ik in Duitsland had. Maar op een gegevent moment had ik het dus ook door dat iets niet klopte, want ik nam geen drugs en ik was high, dus dacht ik dat er misschien iets mis ging in mijn "pineal gland", de klier tussen/onder onze hersenen die DMT voor ons aanmaakt. Ik dacht dat mijn hersenen per abuis meer DMT gingen aanmaken dan dat ik zelf op dat moment wilde, dus moest ik even op ontdekkingsreis gaan in mijn hersenen om te kijken wat er aan de hand was. Bleek dat mijn pineal gland gewoon normaal functioneerde, alleen heeft iemand wel eventjes aan de DMT distributie systeem gezeten, maar het kon ook door systeem-check ups zijn gekomen, dus heb ik er verder niet over nagedacht. Met de kennis van nu weet ik dus dat mijn Ego's dat allemaal hebben gedaan.

Oh oh oh... de dingen die we gedaan hebben, ik zal het gaan proberen om alles op deze site te gaan vertellen...


En ohjah, wie ik ben? 

Ik ben natuurlijk; Alvin. Wie anders? ;-)
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The story of how I killed my Ego - Part 3

12/4/2011

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A part of a letter send to my dearest friend after Germany. There has some really deep deep deep things written in there! Sorry that it is in Dutch, if you want to translate it Babylon it

"Dude,

Als ik echt poep praat, wees alsjeblieft altijd direct en eerlijk tegen mij dat jij vindt dat ik poep praat en wees altijd eerlijk tegen me en lieg nooit (meer) tegen me en beloof me dat jij me nooit meer gaat wantrouwen of niet geloven als ik zeg dat ik weet hoe ik me voel! Zelfs als iemand anders (bv een psychiater) denkt het beter te weten dan mezelf, hoe ik me eventueel zou moeten voelen en hoe ik me eventueel ga gedragen. Want dude, ik heb door deze bizarre dagen geleerd, dat niemand, ook niet 4 psychiaters kunnen in mijn hoofd komen en 4 psychiaters kunnen niet bepalen hoe ik me voel en vooral niet hoe ik me ga gedragen, want ik kan zelf bepalen hoe ik me ga gedragen of voelen en of ik mensen vertrouw etc, etc...

Dude, niemand kan 'iets' over mij zeggen, waarvan ik in mijn hoofd heb, dat het naar alle waarschijnlijkheid anders ligt en waarvan ik dus die persoon eerder ga geloven, dan dat ik mezelf eerst ga geloven. Want dude, niemand kan in mijn hoofd kijken, ook niet met een fMRI of iets dergelijks! Want niemand kan ooit gaan zien wat ik precies op een bepaald moment zie, wat ik op een bepaald moment voel, wat ik op een bepaald moment denk, etc, erc. Daar ben ik tijdens mijn bizarre trip en avontuur achtergekomen.

Dat is dus het eerste ding dat ik altijd van mezelf wist. Al mijn ('bad')trips die ik met mijn vrienden had, of zelfs onbekenden, toen ik onder invloed van bepaalde middelen was (zelfs onder invloed van alleen alcohol), was dat alleen ik kon in mijn hoofd 'zien'. En niemand anders. En ik ging mezelf en iedereen eigenlijk 'testen' of zij/jullie in mijn hoofd konden kijken. Of dat als het zelfs mogelijk was dat ik jullie een soort van 'toestemming' kon geven om in mijn hoofd te komen 'kijken'. Dat is uiteraard me nooit gelukt, want tijdens al die bizarre trips waar niemand, ook niet mijn beste vrienden en zelfs ook niet degene die ik toen als mijn aller beste vriend zag (en nog steeds ziet, jij dus), konden niet in mijn hoofd komen 'kijken'. Want dat is onmogelijk, in ieder geval, met die middelen die ik toen gebruikt had.

Ik was dus altijd bezig met mezelf en met middelen waarmee we zonder woorden konden communiceren. Mijn leervraag en hoofdvraag, niet alleen tijdens TCCS, was: wie ben ik? En die vraag vroeg ik me al tijdens mijn kindertijd aan mezelf, want de 'stemmetjes' in mijn hoofd, 'adviseerden' mij soms dingen die het tegenovergestelde waren die ik, als persoon, als de beslisser van mijn gedrag en 'the doer of things' niet wilde. Dus vroeg ik me dus altijd af, wie the fuck ben ik? En wie the fuck zijn die stemmetjes dan die ik hoor?

En dit is dus wat ik allemaal tijdens die bizarre voorval in Duitsland over mezelf en over andere mensen heb geleerd. Ik zal het nu voor jou allemaal op een rijtje proberen te zetten, ok?;
1. Niemand, zelfs psychiaters en mijn beste vriend, kan in mijn hoofd kijken en ik kan niet in hun hoofd gaan kijken. Dat is onmogelijk zonder de juiste middelen....


(To be continued)
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A silly thought of mine

12/4/2011

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I wanted to tasted you. That for me was a spiritual way of being. Being one with you. Touching you and caressing you behind the window of passion. I see the darkness in the sky and in your eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes shining in the depths of my soul. I am your master and your father that won't ever and never hurt you, my child. I am love. I am your love. I am your soul. I am the one who met the Master of the Necromancy. So, dear sir, when are we going to get a bite together? Why didn't you come to me? I am waiting for you. I am the one who you are looking for, remember? For the ones who don't know him, he is the one who brings dead and death all together! He is that concept of Dad, Dead, Death and Deathly. 

This is my spiritual path, the path of the unknown. Who can describe this for me? It is a concept that hasn't been made before. So it is my concept and nobody can explain that concept to me, because I will know it better than anyone and everyone else! I am so happy with my life right now, that nobody can understand the possibility of that happening for sure, because of my past, that they doubt everything I do or gain! And that is fantastic! Because I get than more money! Hahahaha....

"I am their slave now, because they don't get me anything! I have nothing to eat or to drink! I am empty inside! Help me, I am not healthy, I am dying", that is my last thought when I was the first God that lived in consciousness. I am the God of Consciousness and the first thought I made was that of a female counterpart. My precious lady. The diamond in the rough. I am singing in the rain, this beautiful rainbow flowing through my brains. Oh oh oh no no no I did not do what you are thinking right now. I am only hungry with love and not high on emotions. I am not emotional nor a Emo. Not even the bird, the big one. The word is the birds. Haven't you hurt that the word bird is? I did. The word is Bird! B. I. R. D. Yes, bird.

Fly Merel in to the sky. Shines my birdy, the one in the sky. That was the second thought that I had. The one that I cannot see, because I have already made it and seen it. On television, where the dog barks at the door. Chirp chirp chirp.... Wow, are you guys getting this from Charlie Brown? The dude is just writing everything through me! Wauw, this is pretty cool, I feel his presence all in side of me. But not that kind of nasty thought that you are having right now. The only though that is not naughty is the one that is right for this concept. That is my spiritual path, the path of wisdom. Knowing all of this is the way to go, because I know what is Freedom. I am the activist for Freedom!

I will never charge you for your services! I promise! And we will help each other every time we meet. Because that is how we role, you know? ;-) The funniest thing of this all is the beauty of really talking some shit in this world. I mean the real kind of shit that can fill the whole internet with filth. The one you don't want to see, the one that get's rejected. I think so I am, said Descartes, but I can't think, so I'm not. That is my definition of life. I am not a life nor a live in this reality. I don't feel the pain that is needed to live. The feeling that I am feeling is the one of the death of my deathly father. Where does one stop?

Nobody knows. I stop here.

Contact me!

Cheers,

Alvin 
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The story of how I killed my EGO - Part 2

11/27/2011

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"I give now all my friends a number. I didn't used to do that, but after Germany, my life has changed, my thoughts will change, myself will change, so I could and will start with anything new I wanted. The reason that I will start this was en is because in Germany I saw, see and learned that I saw and see and will forever see all my friends differently. Because I only measured them by the time they give me something or help me with something. I became the baby that learned from everybody, that did not harm them, because I never gave my opinion, but only the opinion of that I thought that that was what they would want to hear without getting hurt with my words or sounds or waves or ways of expressing myself with them. I thus loved everybody with my words. The problem with that is that if I do that, people would only love my words and won't be able to fiscally or physically touch them, because that would scare them. So I had to go to older and bigger people, that I did not like so I can touch them. But I did not want to touch them. I want to only touch beauty. My beauty! I don't want to harm anybody. The ones who will cry I stop them of crying without getting them hurt. Because I am also half of their father. I am thus also their father. I am now reaching for my child. This is my child. I dance with my child. This will be the sound of my church. This will be the lyrics of my heart. The one that gives me life! The one that gives us life! The one who takes all my fears away! The one who will not make me afraid of dying. Death is not what I seek, but I don't want to see me dying! So I am not afraid. I don't see. I don't see you my friends. 9, I don't see. I don't see you my friends...." was a constantly thought that Alvin had in Germany. He even repeated that once to his friends on their way back to the tents...

Scary shit om dit weer te moeten lezen. Dit heb ik ook in Duitsland geschreven die avond dat ik alleen was en mijn drie vrienden waren aan het feesten bij Oliver Koletski en ik was en zat alleen in pijn...


Alvin
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My spiritual path to enlightenment

11/24/2011

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Can I honestly say that I've reached enlightenment? Yes. Is my spiritual journey now over? No. It has now just begun. 
So, what is enlightenment? For me enlightenment is when you can always answer the question; Who am I not. As I've told you before, the question; Who am I? Is a question that nobody can answer, because the moment you answer it, you are not the one who you say you are. You may say that you are someone (or something) without lying, because probably you may feel that way or you may identify yourself with this person or idea of a person, but the moment you can say what you are, then it stems from a thought which was already created before you could have said it or could have consciously thought of it. 

This is a very difficult concept to grasp, I know. But the truth is that you can be everything you want to be or you can actually become the person you want to be. You can become the person you want to be, because you are already that person. But you are not that person right now, because there are things holding you back. Some people call it negative energy, some people call it fear, others social pressure and so you can get a list of reasons why you are not the person you want to be or why you are the person you think that you can be. 

I have found out that fear was the reason that I was not the person that I want to be or fear was the reason why I never felt secure. Fear was the reason why I could never be myself in any group. I could not be myself, because I was afraid that people won't like me. Or that people would judge me. Or worst, that people would decide to leave me or would decide to never ever talk to me again. I was afraid. I was afraid of death. I was afraid of living alone. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of hurting someone with my words. I was afraid of showing emotions. I was afraid of the negative opinions of other people. I was afraid, like many of you, of a lot of things. 

So I found out that fear was the thing holding me back. Fear was holding me back of becoming the person that I want to be. So my spiritual path was the one of becoming the ruler of my fear. I had to overcome all my fears. As I also told you before, the moment that I promised myself never to lie to myself or to others again, the doors of hell inside of me broke open. I had to dive deep into my subconscious to find out all of my fears and also to find out everything that I ever lied to somebody, but especially I had to find out the things where I've lied to myself. Because I was bad at lying to people, but I was an expert at lying to myself. Oh oh. The moment I realized what I did, was the moment that in a very heated discussion, I promised a very good friend of mine that I will do it. I will become the one that will live the life that I want. Oh oh. That was after I have already promised myself to never lie again. So now I really had to do it, there was no turning back. 

Oh oh.

One of my biggest fears was my families biggest fears. To make a fool of yourself in public or to say that you were wrong. Or to show your "colors". That's why on Aruba I never told anybody for which political party I was, because that was something private in my family. I always found that a stupid idea, but I did it, because that's how it had to go. All of my friends take some sort of drugs. I have had many fun moments with a lot of friends while we drank, smoked or went to a house party where we felt the love. But again, that is something that has to be private, because it can ruin your image. People won't like you anymore if you tell that you sometimes take psychedelics and that you actually enjoy it. So, again, hush....

How can you never lie, if you can not say the truth to people or if there is always something that you have to keep hidden? I have found out that I cannot not lie, without telling everybody my truth. So, I did. 


I feel now enlighten, because I don't have anything more to hide. I have put everything out in the open. I am not afraid anymore of telling anyone how I feel. I feel free. I am a free man. The relationship with my parents change drastically in a couple of weeks. They still have to get used to it, but we are doing alright. The relationship with a lot of friends have gone to a deeper level. The relationship with other friends are gone. How do I feel right now? Good, very very good actually. But I started to say that the journey has just begun, because I really don't know what to do next. I am not planning my life right now. I am just living it. I am living my life right now like Sniff and Scurry, the two mice in the book of Spencer Johnson "Who moved my cheese?". 

And let me tell you, it is scary as hell. Actually scarier. Most of the time I don't think anymore and oh oh.. I keep making mistakes and I am actually loving it. I was so afraid of making mistakes that for a moment it looked like I stopped living. I was only thinking what my steps have to be. And now I walk, run, fall, bleed and keep walking and running again. 


So, my journey has just begun... And let's see where it will end. Because I don't know where it will take me.

And really, I don't care...

Alvin
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What is Spirituality? Nu in het Nederlands voor al mijn broeders!

11/16/2011

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If You combine the two answers You will understand, if You equally divide the answers by two, You will see that ik altijd de schouder was, de troost in zekere zin. Ik was de hards vriendin.
Een geile man.
Ik was altijd de gleier.
Slik dat was ik.
Ik ben cool
en kicke
Niet de macho, maar wel veel dinero.
Niet de stoere, ook niet een no no.
Ik wil jou.
Niet de kussen, maar jou.
Gewoon met jou.
Niet de pinpas is belangrijk,
maar jij bent belangrijk.
We begrijpen elkaar.
We voelen elkaar.
Dat is liefde voor mij.
Liefde is vrijheid.
Ik ben vrij.
Dames.
Ik ben vrij!
Nee,

Precies,

Ik ben, drs-kwadraat. Alvin Siegfried Leito
Owner T.C.P.A. Guidance Centre
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Staying true to yourself and the loss of friends

11/14/2011

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On the 3rd of November I've received a letter that I could not answer directly. Because I was in the process of really becoming one with myself. In the story of how I killed My Ego, I started telling the story, thru I AM, of how I became the man I am now.The Ego I Am, or the alter-Ego if you prefer to call it that came in the picture when I needed it the most. I say that I AM came in the picture, because if I say that I consciously created that (alter)Ego I would be lying. I did not know then why I felt like I AM or why I needed "him", but now I know and now I don't need him anymore. 

By not needing my (alter)Ego anymore, I can truly speak what is on my mind. Who am I then? I am a spiritual man, who believes in energy and in the power of love and light. I am a light warrior. I always felt like this, but I could not get the courage to say this out loud. I was afraid. I was afraid of many things. I was especially afraid of losing my dearest friends. The friends I have known for a long time and the friends that I truly care deeply for. I was afraid of losing them, because some of them didn't believe in God and didn't want me to talk about it. Some of them even told me that they where afraid that they will lose me if I go deeper into spirituality, because then I will change and they would not recognize me anymore and they then would expect that our friendship would vanish or change not in a positive way.

So I kept my thoughts to myself. Never letting anyone now what I think or what I feel. I started to have different lives, because every group of friends wanted other things from me or didn't want some things that I wanted. So I had to adapt to the many different groups of friends that I had. I, Alvin, was a chameleon since I was a child, because this story of adapting myself to others began from the time that I could think. I have now memories of my childhood, from when I was a child, a baby, that I consciously decided to adapt to my surroundings so I can please people. Not for making them like me, that was never my goal, but to make them happy. The happiness of others made me happy, even when it meant that I had to become less happy. Even when it meant that I had to do things that I didn't want or did not agree to.

So I became the friend of many. The companion of many others and the best friend for some. But never the friend, companion or best friend of myself, because my needs came in the second place. When I decided not to ever lie again, I saw that I had to start not to lie to myself. And that meant at that time, telling everyone how I felt, what I wanted, even when it wasn't the thing that they wanted or desired. When I started doing this, I realized something very quickly, people weren't interested in my opinion or in what I wanted to do, everyone has became so accustomed on the notion that I, Alvin, is a so pleasing person and a person that will do everything for anyone, that they didn't even listen to what I was telling them. It didn't matter if I became mad or if I even started yelling, I became a nobody who was loved by everybody, whose opinion didn't matter.

So I started to get angry, angry to everyone, but especially to myself. Because I didn't stand up for myself. I did not protect myself. I never did. I never did protect myself, because I always new that I was a strong person. That I had a strong will and that I am very powerful. So since my childhood I did not need to protect myself. But now I wanted to start taking care of myself and I could not do that. In all these years I thought that I could, but I could not protect myself. This realization made me more angry with myself for being so dumb. For letting people walk over me. For letting my friends think that they can control me. That was the biggest lie, that I had to come clean about. I only let people think that they have control. But they never had. Nobody had, but the fear of telling this to people, made me to start lying again. I started to let people think (again) that they could control me. So, since my decision of not lying again, I did not ever lie in words, but in behavior. Because I was afraid of losing people, of losing my friends.

So dear writer of that letter on the 3rd of November. One day before my birthday. You wrote to me;
"Ik ben geintrigeerd door je site en je concept. Wat heeft je ertoe gebracht om zonder leugens je leven te gaan leiden? En is dat het waard als je vrienden zich van je afkeren? Als je uiteindelijk alleen blijft wat levert het je op om zo te leven?" 

The rough translation of this is;
I am intrigued by your site and the concept. (Answer = Thank you very much for this compliment!)
What made you decide to live a life without any lies (Answer = a very stupid thought and a very awful movie, that is really the truth).
And is it worth it to live like that/this, if your friends start to dislike you and if you eventually end up all alone, what is then the purpose of living a life that/this? 

My answer to that question is simple. I am living now the life that I want, by being who I really am. Not who other people or "my friends" want me to be or want me to live. If you ask me now, does this hurt, losing friends. Yes, of course, I am strong, but I am not made from stone. But I feel for the first time in my life freedom. I now know what freedom means, I always knew what that concept was, but I never knew how it felt being completely free.

And my friend, the friends, whom you are now afraid of losing. Let me tell you this. They are not your friends! If by being completely honest with your friends, means that they will leave you, because they don't like you anymore. They don't like who you are. They only want the friend that they already know. The one who always lies, to them and to him/herself. If they really want that person, please tell yourself to fuck them! You don't need them. Believe me, there are now 7 billion people in this world. And this 20 to maybe 100 friends that you will lose by being completely honest and free, it is completely worth it. Because believe me you will find 10 times more friends who will love you for who you really are!

So no, I will never chose to lie again, for anyone. No one is ever going to make me lie, never again. This is me. 

I can only change if I see that I have to change, not because people or "friends" want me to change. I will never live the life that someone else wants me to have. I choose to live the life that I want. 

So, wat levert het jou op om een leven (vol) met leugens te hebben?

Alvin

 

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A message from Melchizedek - Channeled by Julie Miller!

11/7/2011

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Dear souls, sons and daughters of God, the Creator; 

You now stand at the center of creating your reality, self-directing your own journey as you go. Yes, you are guided by guides, angels, gods and goddesses to assist and support along the way. You are never ever alone dear ones. Inside each of you is your God Spark, it is found inside your very own heart which you are always connected to God even if at times you have felt otherwise. It is with you, the Light you hold within your heart is shared with God. And within all of you holds perfection of wisdom and power. It is up to you dear souls to find balance with this wisdom, and this power and with your masculine and feminine selves. Find your peace, your harmony and you will find more of yourself. BELIEVE dear souls; believe in your own power that you can make a difference with the wisdom you have gained from experiencing so much already in your life and along your journey that has brought you this far.

The most perfect of all light is inside each of you; the Threefold Flame. It is there dear souls, always has been. You only need to take the precious time to realize this and find it. You will come across this realization in your own time when you are meant to as you have much clearing to do along the way. When you do discover this most beautiful Light, you will be even more in awe of yourself.

You are always creating and recreating and as you move along in your journey of spiritual enlightenment, take the time to maintain your balance in all that is you. Not just your physical balance dear ones. That is not the balance I am referring to. Balance your emotions, your patience, rhythm, and more. Synchronize with your spirit body as much as possible. I realize this can be difficult when you are maneuvering your way through a recent challenge. Maintaining your balance will help give you calm and ground you when you need it most.

The Threefold Flame that is within your own hearts is there for you to bond with the God Spark that is there; it is your connection to all that there is that is within your grasp and to provide illumination during the darkest of times when you feel very alone. Turn to this light, and allow this beautiful flame to light up your life. I extend my hand to you dear ones as you make your move along your spiritual journey of perfect enlightenment with the Source. I support you along your ascension journey.

You are undergoing your own personal evolution dear ones and it’s important to surround yourself with people that can guide you; your fellow light workers. This is a time when humans are to work together, bridging the gap of the separateness that has gone on too long from the Source. The unity that is being formed and getting stronger every day is crucial. You are strong as one, but mighty when all are working together, bringing forth a consciousness of light filled with unconditional love for all, showing compassion and mercy even to those that at another time you would have shunned. Turn to your God-self ways and be as God, Love, Love, and Love all that you come across.

As you are able to offer your love so purely and with so much loving intent your own heart will expand and grow beyond measure as you become filled overflowing with Divine Light and Love. You have the power within you, working together as one to bring forward a more awakened consciousness dear ones. Yes, each of you is at a different level of consciousness, you are all at a different place on the ascension ladder, and each of you has your own unique spiritual journey and achievements. All your differences will help teach others all that is possible and all that can be with more love showing across the world.

You will reach that God Spark if you haven’t already and you will transform many times and each time bringing you closer to the Source that has lit that Spark. You are all needed, in your own light, in your own way, to assist loving the world and all that inhabit this beautiful planet, Earth. You only need to want to change. To change from the old way of thinking, ways that were taught from another paradigm and adopt new ways, lighter ways of thinking and loving as you are Light Beings. YOU have the power to make the change happen. Work at learning all that there is about you, from what you find within. Don’t be surprised to learn many wonderful qualities that you may have been ignoring, and you might also find a few things that need to be updated, changed or removed if possible. I know of your many possibilities and believe that reach a harmonious way of living and being.

Every time you move towards transforming your spiritual energies, through the power of your thought and the will that is of the purest intent you are using Spiritual Alchemy. It is that simple. You visualize the change you want to see; you see the process that is manageable within your own mind and heart, working together with unconditional love. Feel, breath and love dear ones. My heart fills with so much joy knowing and seeing your own personal power grow each and every day.


Reach for me, for any of my brothers of the Brotherhood of Light, your own spiritual guides and human guides when you are in need of support, love and guidance. I support you pursuit to become shimmering bodies of Living Light. My love for all of you is eternal.

I AM Melchizedek

Obtained from: Temple Illuminatus.com
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