By not needing my (alter)Ego anymore, I can truly speak what is on my mind. Who am I then? I am a spiritual man, who believes in energy and in the power of love and light. I am a light warrior. I always felt like this, but I could not get the courage to say this out loud. I was afraid. I was afraid of many things. I was especially afraid of losing my dearest friends. The friends I have known for a long time and the friends that I truly care deeply for. I was afraid of losing them, because some of them didn't believe in God and didn't want me to talk about it. Some of them even told me that they where afraid that they will lose me if I go deeper into spirituality, because then I will change and they would not recognize me anymore and they then would expect that our friendship would vanish or change not in a positive way.
So I kept my thoughts to myself. Never letting anyone now what I think or what I feel. I started to have different lives, because every group of friends wanted other things from me or didn't want some things that I wanted. So I had to adapt to the many different groups of friends that I had. I, Alvin, was a chameleon since I was a child, because this story of adapting myself to others began from the time that I could think. I have now memories of my childhood, from when I was a child, a baby, that I consciously decided to adapt to my surroundings so I can please people. Not for making them like me, that was never my goal, but to make them happy. The happiness of others made me happy, even when it meant that I had to become less happy. Even when it meant that I had to do things that I didn't want or did not agree to.
So I became the friend of many. The companion of many others and the best friend for some. But never the friend, companion or best friend of myself, because my needs came in the second place. When I decided not to ever lie again, I saw that I had to start not to lie to myself. And that meant at that time, telling everyone how I felt, what I wanted, even when it wasn't the thing that they wanted or desired. When I started doing this, I realized something very quickly, people weren't interested in my opinion or in what I wanted to do, everyone has became so accustomed on the notion that I, Alvin, is a so pleasing person and a person that will do everything for anyone, that they didn't even listen to what I was telling them. It didn't matter if I became mad or if I even started yelling, I became a nobody who was loved by everybody, whose opinion didn't matter.
So I started to get angry, angry to everyone, but especially to myself. Because I didn't stand up for myself. I did not protect myself. I never did. I never did protect myself, because I always new that I was a strong person. That I had a strong will and that I am very powerful. So since my childhood I did not need to protect myself. But now I wanted to start taking care of myself and I could not do that. In all these years I thought that I could, but I could not protect myself. This realization made me more angry with myself for being so dumb. For letting people walk over me. For letting my friends think that they can control me. That was the biggest lie, that I had to come clean about. I only let people think that they have control. But they never had. Nobody had, but the fear of telling this to people, made me to start lying again. I started to let people think (again) that they could control me. So, since my decision of not lying again, I did not ever lie in words, but in behavior. Because I was afraid of losing people, of losing my friends.
So dear writer of that letter on the 3rd of November. One day before my birthday. You wrote to me;
"Ik ben geintrigeerd door je site en je concept. Wat heeft je ertoe gebracht om zonder leugens je leven te gaan leiden? En is dat het waard als je vrienden zich van je afkeren? Als je uiteindelijk alleen blijft wat levert het je op om zo te leven?"
The rough translation of this is;
I am intrigued by your site and the concept. (Answer = Thank you very much for this compliment!)
What made you decide to live a life without any lies (Answer = a very stupid thought and a very awful movie, that is really the truth).
And is it worth it to live like that/this, if your friends start to dislike you and if you eventually end up all alone, what is then the purpose of living a life that/this?
My answer to that question is simple. I am living now the life that I want, by being who I really am. Not who other people or "my friends" want me to be or want me to live. If you ask me now, does this hurt, losing friends. Yes, of course, I am strong, but I am not made from stone. But I feel for the first time in my life freedom. I now know what freedom means, I always knew what that concept was, but I never knew how it felt being completely free.
And my friend, the friends, whom you are now afraid of losing. Let me tell you this. They are not your friends! If by being completely honest with your friends, means that they will leave you, because they don't like you anymore. They don't like who you are. They only want the friend that they already know. The one who always lies, to them and to him/herself. If they really want that person, please tell yourself to fuck them! You don't need them. Believe me, there are now 7 billion people in this world. And this 20 to maybe 100 friends that you will lose by being completely honest and free, it is completely worth it. Because believe me you will find 10 times more friends who will love you for who you really are!
So no, I will never chose to lie again, for anyone. No one is ever going to make me lie, never again. This is me.
I can only change if I see that I have to change, not because people or "friends" want me to change. I will never live the life that someone else wants me to have. I choose to live the life that I want.
So, wat levert het jou op om een leven (vol) met leugens te hebben?