So, what is enlightenment? For me enlightenment is when you can always answer the question; Who am I not. As I've told you before, the question; Who am I? Is a question that nobody can answer, because the moment you answer it, you are not the one who you say you are. You may say that you are someone (or something) without lying, because probably you may feel that way or you may identify yourself with this person or idea of a person, but the moment you can say what you are, then it stems from a thought which was already created before you could have said it or could have consciously thought of it.
This is a very difficult concept to grasp, I know. But the truth is that you can be everything you want to be or you can actually become the person you want to be. You can become the person you want to be, because you are already that person. But you are not that person right now, because there are things holding you back. Some people call it negative energy, some people call it fear, others social pressure and so you can get a list of reasons why you are not the person you want to be or why you are the person you think that you can be.
I have found out that fear was the reason that I was not the person that I want to be or fear was the reason why I never felt secure. Fear was the reason why I could never be myself in any group. I could not be myself, because I was afraid that people won't like me. Or that people would judge me. Or worst, that people would decide to leave me or would decide to never ever talk to me again. I was afraid. I was afraid of death. I was afraid of living alone. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of hurting someone with my words. I was afraid of showing emotions. I was afraid of the negative opinions of other people. I was afraid, like many of you, of a lot of things.
So I found out that fear was the thing holding me back. Fear was holding me back of becoming the person that I want to be. So my spiritual path was the one of becoming the ruler of my fear. I had to overcome all my fears. As I also told you before, the moment that I promised myself never to lie to myself or to others again, the doors of hell inside of me broke open. I had to dive deep into my subconscious to find out all of my fears and also to find out everything that I ever lied to somebody, but especially I had to find out the things where I've lied to myself. Because I was bad at lying to people, but I was an expert at lying to myself. Oh oh. The moment I realized what I did, was the moment that in a very heated discussion, I promised a very good friend of mine that I will do it. I will become the one that will live the life that I want. Oh oh. That was after I have already promised myself to never lie again. So now I really had to do it, there was no turning back.
One of my biggest fears was my families biggest fears. To make a fool of yourself in public or to say that you were wrong. Or to show your "colors". That's why on Aruba I never told anybody for which political party I was, because that was something private in my family. I always found that a stupid idea, but I did it, because that's how it had to go. All of my friends take some sort of drugs. I have had many fun moments with a lot of friends while we drank, smoked or went to a house party where we felt the love. But again, that is something that has to be private, because it can ruin your image. People won't like you anymore if you tell that you sometimes take psychedelics and that you actually enjoy it. So, again, hush....
How can you never lie, if you can not say the truth to people or if there is always something that you have to keep hidden? I have found out that I cannot not lie, without telling everybody my truth. So, I did.
I feel now enlighten, because I don't have anything more to hide. I have put everything out in the open. I am not afraid anymore of telling anyone how I feel. I feel free. I am a free man. The relationship with my parents change drastically in a couple of weeks. They still have to get used to it, but we are doing alright. The relationship with a lot of friends have gone to a deeper level. The relationship with other friends are gone. How do I feel right now? Good, very very good actually. But I started to say that the journey has just begun, because I really don't know what to do next. I am not planning my life right now. I am just living it. I am living my life right now like Sniff and Scurry, the two mice in the book of Spencer Johnson "Who moved my cheese?".
And let me tell you, it is scary as hell. Actually scarier. Most of the time I don't think anymore and oh oh.. I keep making mistakes and I am actually loving it. I was so afraid of making mistakes that for a moment it looked like I stopped living. I was only thinking what my steps have to be. And now I walk, run, fall, bleed and keep walking and running again.
So, my journey has just begun... And let's see where it will end. Because I don't know where it will take me.
And really, I don't care...